Date:	2005-10-08 00:12
Subject:	humbled
Security:	Public
Mood:	aggravated
Music:	Meshuggah - I - I

take solace in the fact that you are not alone.

http://www.usatoday.com/news/washington/2005-06-22-flag-burning_x.htm

anyone wanna burn a flag while we're still legally allowed to? come on. flag burning party. let's go.

if by any chance you need a web site or know someone who does, check out haffej.com to see what i can do for you, or pass on the address to anyone who might be interested. thanks!

i just wanted to let you all know that we have squirrels living somewhere in our house, such that they come out from under the dishwasher, jump/climb onto the counter, open the cabinets, jump into the cabinets, and eat my rolls. tricky little bastards. the mice weren't as smart. but i don't know how the fuck we're supposed to catch these things. so i'm going to get drunk now. good day.

Date:	2005-03-12 19:31
Subject:	damn hell i'm bored!
Security:	Public
Mood:	aggravated
Music:	yourefucked - roughinstr

that oughtta keep you crack whores at bay.

you know, maybe i'm going about this all wrong, but i think we can simplify the gift-giving process at christmas. granted, it would take out the surprise effect, and it negates the underlying idea of gift-giving (being to give people things you think they might like that they wouldn't have gotten or even thought of getting for themselves), but aren't you sick of shopping for things for people when you don't really feel like you know their interests? and don't you hate getting things that you end up putting in your closet a week after you receive them? seems of such a waste of someone's generosity.

if you're going to exchange gifts someone, why don't you just.... not. if you were going to spend money on them, and they were going to spend money on you, then just agree that, in effect, the gift has been given. keep your money and put it toward something you need. sounds selfish doesn't it? i'm not going to give you a gift if you don't give me a gift, then i'll buy myself something i like. call it selfish if you want, but it makes sense. if you agree on this with someone enough ahead of time, you can even go out, buy yourself what you want, and then bring it when you usually exchange gifts, and show everyone what you bought yourself. you might want to agree on a gift price ahead of time so that you don't end up showing someone a pair of $5 socks while the other person buys a yacht. "what, are you saying you would have only spent $5 on me you cheap bastard!?" if you determine a price, then the buyer then knows that any amount spent more is like spending from his/her own pocket, while spending less means the remainder can go toward something else.

Date:	2004-12-09 12:28
Subject:	type type type! whew
Security:	Public
Mood:	sick
Music:	Lacuna Coil - Entwined

i haven't updated in a long time. i've basically been doing the same shit for the past 3 months. music, web programming, and drinking beer.

go to http://www.neversayneveronline.com/ for the music stuff. you might be impressed.

and now, because i feel like spending an excessive amount of time on something i will probably give up on halfway through:

( stupid long survey of nothingness )

ps. i got through the whole thing.

it's entirely inexplicable, really. it's just one of those nights where i'm pissed off at nothing. and not movitated to do anything. and i feel like there is me, and then there is everyone else. that there really are no connections between the two of us, just what has been, but that that has no bearing on the present, and no indication of the future.

i really don't enjoy sleeping. lately i've been going to bed late and getting up relatively early. i think that should be a good sign, knowing that when people are depressed they sleep a lot. well, i sleep less, does that mean i'm really undepressed? or maybe it means i'm worrying too much about something or other. probably how i'm going to support myself financially in the next 4 months or so. not that i'm broke, but i'm bound to be. whatever. it's time to be homeless. who gives a fuck.

by the way, you can duct tape that fake smile.

what's more frustrating than anything, is that people think and feel so much, but you probably only hear about 2% of it. we're that fucking protective of our lives and our thoughts that we choose to remain self-reflective instead of seeking reflection from others because we know they're going to insult and tease us for being who we can't help being. i don't know about the rest of you, but i don't feel like my gut interests and decisions and actions have much basis in my thought processes. it's just what feels right.

it fucking feels good to delete the silent people from my buddy list. take that, you assholes.

most of you write in your journals far more often than i do.

i suppose this is what it begins to be like once you're out of college and aren't being challenged day in and out with new perspectives and new observations of the wretchedness of humanity.

it's either...

i really don't give a shit.

or...

i don't even know what to think about that anymore.

whereas while in school i felt that i was still developing my foundation of belief, i now act as if that has been taken care of. and i always criticize those who don't seem to be open to new ideas. and now i'm [sort of] one of them.

but i've been productive lately. really. today i worked on rapidculture(.com) for at least 12 hours. insanity, i know.

last week it was all music. and this week seems to be all rapidculture. progress is good. i'm learning a lot. sql joins are fun.

but i'm getting antsy. i want to play a new show. we have a couple possibilities floating around, but i haven't heard much of anything definite.

mcmahonbro: HAHAH!
haffej: hah!
haffej: bitch.
mcmahonbro: lets get it ON MOTUFFCCCCCCCCCKA!@
haffej: i'm ready
mcmahonbro: shes hot
mcmahonbro: horne
mcmahonbro: y
mcmahonbro: ill send pictures if shes freaky enough
mcmahonbro is away at 12:58:33 AM.
haffej: hah!

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Auto response from mcmahonbro: AH ha ha ah!

its on now mottttthhA!
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haffej: wtf
haffej: fuck you
haffej: he has HERPES!
mcmahonbro: you fuckin assshole
mcmahonbro returned at 1:03:28 AM.
mcmahonbro: she loookad at that aansd lefT1
mcmahonbro is away at 1:03:59 AM.
haffej: haha are you serious?

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Auto response from mcmahonbro: its like herdin sheep into a ....barn? wtf.

its just horrible.
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and then....


eternallyblue152: what was he talking to you online for if he had a girl in his room
haffej: that's a good question
eternallyblue152: what a lame-o
haffej: lol

in light of the re-election of bush, i have written some lyrics. cause fuck bush. this is for all you liberals out there. the song is fuckin' heavy too.

the fulcrum of existence
your leaders hiding from insistence
draped in shadowed grays, solemn days
lie ahead for the heart of revolution
we were always lost amongst
your piled refuse, scattered
limbs and severed heads
your bleeding hearts, yea they're all dead

we have to stay and fight
for our own contempt
you must not leave it
all behind you again

thirsting for another drink
of sweet sanity divine
your will is not your own
and your demons we shall find
protruding from your soul is
the sign of ill stagnation
we're here to push you out
hear our cries for all salvation

we have to stay and fight
for our own contempt
you must not leave it
all behind you again

revolution
revolution
fight, fight, fight, revolution
fight, fight, fight, revolution go

you're not invicible
just another human slave
to the system, no remorse
now our country we must save
your war and heavy hand
has put you on your throne
just remember it was won
by the faith of thoughtless drones

we have to stay and fight
for our own contempt
you must not leave it
all behind you again

fight
fight
fight
fight

nick, i just wanted to let you know that when i went out for a smoke around 12:25am, he was still sweeping.

i'm not sure how many of you give a shit, but...

halloween weekend, jim and i are slated to play 2 (yes, TWO!) shows. saturday we'll be playing at Nolloween -- a show put on by the band Nollpara, where Black Dragon will be the opener before us. if, by chance, anyone is interested in going (and i know none of you are, fuckers), it's at the Eagles Club in Bethlehem, NH, doors open around 7:00pm, $5 cover. oh yea, no booze cause the crowd is likely to be mostly underage. the boozing comes afterward. then sunday -- though this is still indefinite -- we should be playing with Supplication and Angels to Ashes at the Music Clinic in Belmont, NH. we don't really know these guys, but have been emailing back and forth because a few guys in that area (drummer, bassist, vocalist) are interested in what jim and i are doing, and may possibly be interested in forming a band. the show's from 3:00pm to 6:00pm, $5 cover. we'll have cds to give away, and we'll be playing a new song -- "In The Flesh" -- which has vocals. 4 instrumental songs, 2 songs with vocals. should be a fun time. oh yea, no booze at the second show either. man, jim and i are fucked. we're used to the Dutch Treat where everyone's objective seems to be to get drunk and enjoy the music. oh well, i guess music can be good without booze.

for all those interested, jim and i are working on another song, titled "Frailty". at the moment, the song is entirely written and recorded by me, so it's not the final version, but if you're interested in hearing, let me know. the final version will hopefully feature my sister singing the chorus, and jim doing the metal vocals. how's that for contrast? and while i'm giving props to my sister, check out her site and download her songs (and i recommend this to everyone because most of you don't like MY music, so maybe you'll like hers). eternallyblue.com -- look for the music links.

you'll be happy to know that i've begun working on rapidculture again. finally, after a 3+ month absence. you're happy because i'm not being quite so lazy anymore. i'm sure i'll work on it this week, but with the things that need to be ironed out for the weekend, it's not the number 1 priority.

Date:	2004-10-21 01:33
Subject:	the thrill is gone
Security:	Public
Mood:	somber

the subject is intended for the red sox-yankees series, but i have more interesting things to talk about.

and i know i'm probably just doing things all wrong. or at least you all will say it's my attitude.

(said while chuckling:) but i fucking hate life. i really do.

the moments in my life where i have felt truly happy have been few and far between. i'd like to say it's simply by way of a lack of effort, but for years now, trying to focus on my interests as a route to some degree of happiness has just been entirely unsuccessful.

i hate george bush. i hate violence. i hate love. i hate politics. i hate futile attempts at creativity. it's as if for every one thing that brings you up, there are ten others to bring you down. that's just me, i know. i've seen people who are happy and smile all the time. i know you fuckers are out there, but i don't understand you.

my problem is, i don't really perceive my life as being independent of anything. everything that happens, i should realistically be able to influence or change (should i actually set my mind to it). so because i tend to focus on the negative that exists rather than the positive that is happening to combat the negatives, the influence that is necessary is overwhelming.

that's not always the case though. if i'm speaking with someone who is only being negative, i tend to speak extremely positively and optimistically. so generally speaking, in my own head, negative outweighs positive.

and i have no focus, anyway. you wouldn't believe how hard i had to force myself to rake the entire front lawn this morning. about 5 minutes in, i was breathing heavily and wondering why i gave a shit. 20 minutes in, still tired, but getting into the flow. by minute 195, i must have been numb. it literally was the biggest thing i've set my mind to accomplish since, perhaps, graduation. i mean, i've written several songs since then, but that's adrenaline, that's passion, that's not a project to me. that's therapy.

what the fuck am i trying to say? this is all why i'm jobless. why i don't know where i'm living come december. why i don't know what projects to take on. perhaps why i lack very deep, meaningful relationships?

we were at a frat saturday night, nick, jim and i, with travis and his friend erica. we were chilling on the roof most of the night, keeping an eye on the slaughter of the red sox. we decided to head to the basement because that seemed to be where th party was building up. i was drunk, so i was dancing like an idiot. it was pretty dark down there, so someone used a lighter to look for an outlet for one of the lights. nick assisted him by using his lighter. the other guy gave up, but nick continued looking. soon enough, i noticed jim and nick in a conversation with a guy who claimed that nick should leave because he was trying to set his house on fire. the three of us contested him, saying nick was looking for an outlet, that he wasn't the first to do it, that there was nothing to get bent out of shape over. when i heard his claim that nick was trying to set the house on fire, i couldn't believe it. at all. i directly asked him several times, "why in the world would we try to set the house on fire where we all are partying?" he couldn't muster a good enough answer, he just wanted us out. so rather than fuel the fire and perhaps have the whole of the frat guys kicking our asses, we decided to leave. we're standing outside discussing how absurd of a scenario that was when the guy comes outside and tells us we have to leave their property and that we need to keep it low key because the cops have been watching their house. fair enough, but we weren't trying to set your house on fire. it just doesn't make sense. he told us how he's the president of the house. jim, being drunk, challenged him, saying, "you're not gonna do anything." about 3 seconds after that, he walked away. obviously not going to do anything. asshole. some power trip.

i just made this point on the maristonline.com board. the issue is nader. people are essentially claiming that nader, being an idealist, is useless to us. so, i felt obligated to come to the defense of idealism... and, i suppose susequently, the defense of nader........................

if i had a little more tact, i wouldn't make this post.

but there's a lot to be said about striving for the ideal. it's not about realism and idealism being dichotomous. they're not. thinking ideally is thinking about the potential of reality. what IS wrong is to think that at the snap of the fingers the real and the ideal will be perceived interchangeably -- which seems to be what you claim nader's mission is. surely, it isn't. nader would serve as the start of change.

and do any of you deny that change is necessary?

here's my argument. to me, choosing bush is like saying, "well, what we have now is good enough." while on the other hand, choosing nader is like saying, "okay, what we have now is okay, but just okay. we need something more, something different." we shouldn't just strive for what we can conceive as being real, not at all, for doing so inherently limits our possibilities. if we deny possibilities, of course things aren't going to get better, and hence your reality of how things are restricts your vision of how things can be.

it's not about attaining the ideal and saying, "okay, we have the ideal system, now we can sit back and enjoy," because as time passes, our perception of the ideal changes. it seems to me the ideal will always be out of reach, but striving for the ideal is going to put you in a better position than saying. "well, what we have now is good enough."

perhaps an analogy. take golf. say i regularly shoot 85 to 90 while par is 72. if i say that ideally i want to consistently score 10 strokes under par, i'm going to work at it, practice, try to change how i do things in order to improve. however, if i say, "ah heck, 85 is good enough," i'm not going to change anything, and my game will consistently be 85, which obviously isn't a very impressive score to most.

is anyone following me?

Date:	2004-10-09 21:10
Subject:	oh, you want more baseball?!?
Security:	Public
Mood:	disappointed
Music:	Scars Of Tomorrow - Will Hell Arise

well, the twins fell to the yankees in the ALDS ... AGAIN. fucking yankees. okay, the yankees played well, but i'm not ready to concede that the yankees went above and beyond to TAKE the series from the twins, i think there are a lot of things the twins did poorly that sort of let the yankees take the last three games -- a lot of little things that the twins are usually known for not doing wrong.

such is life.

so now, it's all about the red sox, and i have much confidence that the red sox will take the yankees down. the twins pestered ny throughout the series, except for game 3, and their line-up doesn't nearly compare to boston's. so with ny's pitching and boston's hitting... come on. plus the red sox had a decently easy, quick sweep of the angels, so their rotation will be fresher and their players just generally a bit more rested. not to mention boston won the regular season series against the yankees.

world series: red sox vs. cardinals.

red sox in 7.

i'm pretty sure no one who reads this is much of a baseball fan, but i was just thinking about this... after an all-star game ended in a tie a few years ago when both teams ran out of pitchers, they made it so that the league that wins the all-star game gets home field advantage in the world series. now, baseball is a team sport, and from the teams that make it to the world series, each may have had only 1 player who represented them in the all-star game, who may have even played an insignificant role in the all-star game. i'm glad that it gives the all-star game some meaning, but it's just a stupid way to determine home field advantage for the world series.

so i was thinking, instead (and i'm sure this isn't a new idea), the team with the best playoff record of the year should get home field advantage. if the two teams have the same playoff record, the team with the best regular season record should get home field advantage. that makes more sense. i'm pretty sure in the past home field advantage was first determined by which team had the best regular season record. it comes down to two teams, though, and the battle for home field advantage shouldn't be determined by a player from this team and a player from that, it should be determined by each team as a team.

last night i was awoken by the rustling of a plastic bag around 2:15am. i knew it was my trash, but in my half-asleep state, all i could muster was a, "what in the fuck?" i listened to it for a bit, and i knew it had to be a mouse or rat stuck in my garbage can. i could hear it keep trying to escape up the side of the plastic bag, but slipping back down. i thought, man, if this thing is big, i'm going to be grossed out. and who knows, maybe when i turn the light on it'll freak out and finally make it's escape, then scamper frantically around my room. i put on my glasses and turned the light on. i peeped in and saw a tiny little mouse, and i realized why he wasn't able to escape -- he was just too damn tiny. as i looked at him, he stood there completely frozen, amongst snotty tissues (i've been sick), receipts, and an empty box of cigarrettes. well, hell, just look at what i saw:

not really gross... well, at least more cute than gross. i picked up the can to bring him outside. and hell, since i'm going outside, might as well have a smoke, too. i put the can on the step of the porch and tipped it over. by this point, it seemed the mouse had made himself comfortable buried at the bottom of the trash. i didn't see him run out, so i left the garbage can lying there overnight. in the morning, he was gone, replaced by dozens of scavenging ants.

by the way, i'm aware that i mixed past and present tense, i just decided i don't give a fuck.

the fact that there are people-made consequences is an affirmation of unimpedable free will because consequences play on our ability to choose how we act.

no?

i made up unimpedable because i couldn't find an adjective that means "unable to impede".